Sorting through my thoughts

As I sit in the room I called home for over 2 years and reflect on the events that have transpired since I left North Carolina in June I marvel at how much has changed and not changed all at the same time. I was so excited to come back to North Carolina because i haven't been back since I left but I didn't expect to feel such longing and sadness. As soon as I stepped outside the doors of the airport and breathed my first breath of North Carolina air I found myself saying "this is home" it just felt right. North Carolina is the place where I really grew into my own skin, the place where I discovered my true passion for social work, the place where I forged friendships that will last a lifetime, the place where I've gone through personal struggles and come out on the other side, the place where I'm treated with respect and courtesy with no one expecting it in return although respect and courtesy is always reflected back. The scenery is the same and the people are the same, but I've changed, I've truly begun to cherish my time here and while I don't want to go back in time I know I want to come back and make a home here in the future. I can't begin to think about what my emotions are going to be like on Sunday so I'm just going to take it a day at a time, maybe even an hour at a time and just enjoy every single moment because soon I'll be back to reality and will have to deal with the fact that I no longer live in North Carolina and that for now it's not in the cards but remind myself that I will return and be a resident of North Carolina once again.

So long for now

I don't post much anymore, my thinking is that maybe when I get a boyfriend and get married I'll have a lot more to say that is worth posting for others to read. For now my life is a simple routine that doesn't have anything that others would find exciting and that's ok. So I think until I enter a stage of life where the happenings are more exciting than the fact that I got a new high score on a Just Dance 3 song I will leave blogging to my friends and let this blog go. If I come back I think I will start fresh with a brand new blog (same blog address) and new blog look. For those that have kept up with me, thank you. It's not goodbye forever just goodbye for now.

Good Night and Good Luck

I've moved!

I have moved into my own place! I haven't had a chance to unpack everything so I don't have pictures yet, but I will get around to it someday. The best part about moving is that I'm only 5 minutes from work. The worst part is waiting for maintenance when things break, especially on weekends. This weekend my shower broke so I'm already back at my parent's house until tomorrow evening. Thankful I have somewhere to go though when things like that happen. Once I get all settled I think I'll blog more regularly.....I hope.

Adoption Day!

Today is adoption day *grin*

22 years ago I became a part of this amazing family and I couldn't be more blessed or grateful.

A Simpler Life

Getting away from it all always puts things in perspective. The simplistic nature of the Amish buggies I see going down the street remind me of how my life has turned into chaos and noise. Coming to Shipshewana I always find myself wondering what life would be like if I were Amish, if Sundays were truly set aside to be days of rest and you spent a good portion of the day worshiping God (Amish church services last at least two hours if not more). But then I think of how much I depend on technology, electricity and all those other wonderful things to function normally and I always tell myself "these are essential" but are they really? I'm reflecting during my time here at Shipshewana and realizing that the days I don't get on facebook are happy and full the majority of the time and I find myself deep in thought about my relationship with God or other things that are truly essential to survival. My main hope is that this time away from the normal life routine and the reminder that life doesn't have to always be "go go go" to be full and happy doesn't get pushed aside as soon as I get back into Michigan where all my adult responsibilities sit waiting for me to return.

Labor day is exactly what it's supposed to be this year...a break from labor and I am so grateful. Thank you God!

Rise

This song has been such a blessing in my life in the past few weeks and the lyrics speak to me everyday so I thought I would share them

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

Well I keep on coming to this place
That I don't know quite how to face
So I lay down my life in hopes to die
That somehow I might rise

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

I know I'm Pretty but I want to be Beautiful

People say that I'm pretty but I can never get past the "pretty" stage. I take their compliments in stride and I'm glad that at least I get compliments but inside I'm kicking myself wondering "when will someone call me beautiful, what am I doing wrong that I can't be found beautiful?" People see me as put together and efficient yet on the inside I feel broken. I can't get any guy to see me as something other than cute and I wonder if I will ever be considered a woman rather than a girl. I keep saying "God is Enough" but if I am honest with myself and ask "am I really believing it right now?", the answer is no. I feel so alone I thing that no guy is ever going to love me and want me to be his wife. I admit I'm not good at flirting or dropping hints that I like someone for that matter, and I'm not one to go out at night just to find someone, but I try and yet I get the "oh I just like you as a friend are you ok with that? and while I say yes I see now that all this time I've been lying, many times the guys I've felt something for find someone else and marry and every time I see them it hurts but I don't let on because if I lose their friendship I'm more alone and I don't want that to happen. Every night the tears threaten to come as I think about the fact that I'm still alone (living with my parents gives me too much time to think) and I wake up thinking it's a new day and I can meet someone and yet every night I still go to bed alone (figuratively not literally for those of you whose minds work in funny ways...). I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm just going to have accept that I'm not meant to meet anyone, but I know I shouldn't think like that it's irrational and silly but it's what I feel and I'm sick of telling people that I like being single. I guess all this to say that I need a lot of prayer right now as I try to accept life and begin to trust God that he will bring Mr. Right along at the right tim or that he shows me that I'm meant to be single.

Sorry to be such a downer, if you stayed with me this long then I am grateful, thanks for reading.